Walking

This is a follow-up to my “Fear of Concrete” a few postings ago.

I quit exercising over Christmas and now I’m at the point where I pretty much can’t walk at all except for in the comfort of my own home. O.K., so I may be exaggerating that a little, but things have gotten worse, to the point where I’m even having trouble walking around my office at work.  I need to fix this because I’m at the point where I can not keep relying on others  for assistance and am going to have to use a walker, which I do not want to do.  I have started excising again,  As a family we have also started taking walks around the neighborhood so I can practice walking on the concrete sidewalk and street.  

I have also identified some other aspects, besides physical and mental, that may be contributing to my balance problem:

• Caffeine:  I’ve noticed that coffee gives my muscles anxiety because on the few days I haven’t had any I walk just fine.  Without it my muscles and my mind are too relaxed and tired to tense up.  
• Eye sight:  I need glasses to wear all the time.  I believe my depth perception may be off too.
• Weight:  I think I need to gain some weight.  I ended up below my pre-pregnancy weight after having Kiana and maybe I haven’t fully adjusted to that.  I had great balance while I was pregnant (surprisingly).  I think the extra weight grounded me.
• Physical: exercise, exercise, exercise!  I need to stretch because my muscles are very tight.  I need to work on my leg strength.  And I need to strengthen my stomach muscles.  I never got my stomach back into shape after having Kiana and I think by doing so would help my core balance,and help keep my back straight.
• Mental: I need to find a distraction from my anxiety.  I need to “get out of my head”.  I freeze when people are around and I need to stop worrying about people.  

Gaining confidence and strength again to walk is one of my goals for 2012.

October 30, 2011

Happy Birthday!!  My sweet baby girl turned 2.

Newborn

2 years

"Up Mama, up"

My daughter knows I am not able to pick her up from a standing position or hold and carry her while standing.  She does know though that I can pick her up and hold her while sitting.  The other day she was sitting on a bar stool and wanted me to help her down even though she's perfectly capable of climbing down on her own.  When I walked over to her she pointed to a dining chair, wanting me to sit down to help her.  Or sometimes she will lead me by the hand over to the couch or a chair so I can pick her up.  I am often touched by how understanding and considerate she is.  But most of the time, when she asks to be picked up, I will simply just get down on the floor wherever we are and let her crawl onto my lap.  Sometimes, in the middle of preparing dinner, I will stop and sit down or kneel on the kitchen floor to hold her.

Fear of concrete (random post)

When I was in college, several years ago now, I used to walk all over campus no problem.  Even just a couple of years ago I could go shopping on my own, walking across streets and parking lots were not a problem.  But just within the past couple of years I have developed a “fear of concrete” and I’m pretty sure it’s getting worse.  I contribute my inability to walk on concrete to a lack of practice and exercise, but it is also mental.   Now I can't even walk from my car to my office on my own unless there is NO ONE around that might be looking at me and even then sometimes I freeze.  I get nervous and freeze when I think someone is watching me, I freeze when I fear I might fall. I freeze when there are cars around because I fear I might fall in front of a car.  My muscles tense, my legs stiffen up, causing my balance to become worse, and I literally can not move.  I haven't fallen down yet but if I freeze suddenly half-way between my car and the office it takes me a really long, awkward time to get to the side of the building to touch for balance,. And once I make it the 20 feet to my office and relax, my legs, because of stiffening up, feel like Jello, like I’ve walked a flight of stairs a hundred times.   It's maddening.  But I refuse to start using a walker because I’m afraid  that I'll become dependent on it and then never be able to walk alone anywhere.  

A few weeks ago I went to my doctor for back pain.  I have never really dealt with much pain, if any, as a result of my cerebral palsy.  I think the back pain was a result of sitting wrong at my computer at work or lifting my 30 lbs two-year-old.  My doctor asked me if I would be interested in physical therapy.  I said yes, and that is when I told her about my difficultly walking.  

I went to my first physical therapy appointment 4 weeks ago..  Boy did it bring back memories from childhood.

The physical therapy department is in a different building than my doctor’s office.  One I had never been to before.  The disabled parking is across from the entrance rather than the side of the building.  I was doing okay walking until a vehicle came and stopped for me to cross.  I got nervous, stiffened up, and looked like an 90 yr old trying to cross the street.  I made it to the sidewalk and there were 2 guys on the sidewalk coming toward me.  I asked if one of them could please assist me to the main sidewalk (I still had to cross where the sidewalk split for a small driveway).  He helped me and then asked if I wanted help to the entrance.  I said I would be fine and thanked him so much.  Well, I wasn't fine because I already felt like I had caused a scene and now everyone was watching me.  A woman walking into the building asked if I needed help and I said that I guess I did.  Someone near the entrance had seen me and came over with a WHEEL CHAIR!!!  LOL!  OMG!  Now I was totally embarrassed and I told him that and that I really didn't need it.  But he was kind and insisted so I sat down in it and he pushed me to check-in.  I assured him I would be fine once in the building.  He said it would be no big deal if I wanted to be wheeled to my appointment, that he was just waiting for his wife, and wanted to make sure I would be okay.  I stood up to check-in and thanked him over and over and said that no I wouldn't need assistance.  I was fine after checking in and walked up to my appointment without any difficulty.  

I told my physical therapist this and she said that yes, she could help me with my balance, but that she is not psychologist but it sounds like I have developed an anxiety about concrete.   I agree with her because I know that part of it is mental.   Part of it is a lack of confidence.  Four years ago I suddenly was afraid to drive this one stretch of highway.  Nothing had changed.  It was all in my mind.  I would get scared, stiffen up, making it difficult to drive.  It lasted about a month and suddenly, as fast as my fear had developed, it was gone and I could drive this particular stretch with confidence and comfort again.    I think this is somewhat similar mentally, yet also different because this is also physical.  I just don’t exercise or walk as much as I used to.  Surprisingly I had better balance when I was pregnant.  And prior to that I was going to the gym and exercising fairly regularly, and getting out of the house more.  I’ve had two physical therapy appointments thus far  but I rescheduled the one this week because I hadn’t done any of the exercises in 2 weeks.  It’s time to schedule exercising into my day, work on my balance and my strength, and beat this!

Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping these days is either a good experience or a stressful one.  Kiana doesn’t always want to sit in the cart.  She goes from sitting in the basket, to standing in the basket, to whining to get out of the basket, to trying to climb out of the basket, to wanting to push the cart, to wanting to be carried, to running away from us down the aisles.  

Well yesterday we were at the store and my husband strapped her in the seat of the cart.  She protested, but he had to go do some banking and she needed to be left with me.  Once he walked away she stopped trying to get out.  Her and I went over to the produce section to start our shopping and she was perfect.  I pointed out different vegetables and asked her what they were and what color they were.  She was fine... until Daddy returned.  Then her arms instantly went up and she started to whine to get out of the cart.  I think she knew I wasn’t able to get her out of the cart so she didn’t bother to ask me.  It made me wonder if I would be able to brave shopping with her alone.  Maybe she wouldn’t be such a handful?

I still don’t take her anywhere alone because I’m so worried she will run away from me in the parking lot, run into the street, and I wouldn’t be able to catch her.  Or if I did catch her that she wouldn’t willingly walk back to the car with me.  I suppose I could just use the stroller...

Behavior modification

We were not even in the house 2 minutes one afternoon and Kiana was already finger-painting with diaper cream on the walls.  When I went to take it away from her she ran away from me.with a big gob of it in her hands wiping it along the hall wall as she ran and then into the bedroom.  I knew it would be easy to clean up so I wasn’t going to get upset about it but I still needed to get it off of her hands before it was everywhere and I had to backtrack too much.  I asked her to wash her hands.  She loves to wash her hands and make bubbles with the soap so I thought this would work.  When I got a firm “no” in reply I had to think quick, because I’m not able to just chase after her, pick her up, and carry her to the sink.  I had to figure out what to say to get her to come to the sink.  So I said very calmly, “do you want to go to your room?”  I had never used this before, or have never sent her to her room so I was surprised it worked.  She came directly to the sink and washed her hands. 

Twin bed

A few weeks ago we took down Kiana’s crib and upgraded her to a twin bed.  This has helped tremendously in re-establishing a set nap time and getting her to sleep in her own room.  And I haven’t had any frustrating afternoons since with her with an over-tired toddler and an over-tired mommy.  

She got used to sleeping in our bed since I was never able to easily put her in her crib.  It was just easier for me to put her down for a nap and for bedtime in our bed and then my husband would move her to her crib.  Now I will lay down with her in her own room and at nap time, if she is not quite ready to settle down she can quietly play or read books.  It is so much easier.  She also likes her new bed.

She still comes into our bed occasionally at 5am, and I enjoy the cuddle time with her.   This morning I woke up to the sound of little feet pitter-pattering down the hall.  She came over to my side of the bed and stood there, sleepy eyed and still half asleep, holding her pillow, blankie, Bearbear, AND Dolly.  How she manages to remember and carry all that while half asleep is beyond me?  But she does it every time.