Having Another :)

We have always wanted to be a family of 4.  Yes, there are some days when I questioned this but we really wanted a second.   When family and friends have asked if we wanted another and we’ve said yes we have gotten mixed reactions:  “you know the 2nd is always the hardest”;  “Kiana’s so easy, your 2nd is going to be the opposite”;  “will you adopt?”;  “you know 2 children are so much more work”  etc., etc.   Yes, it will be more work.  Even though I’ve already had one and know what to expect this time I still feel clueless as to how I’m going to do it.  How I’m going to care for a newborn?  How I’m going to handle two?  But once again, I feel peace.  Peace knowing God is there, God will help me, God has it under control, and God will not give me more than I can’t handle.  And the thing is... children grow up, become independent.  I just have to make it through the first year.  That is when I need the most help.  And what’s a year?  What’s 7 years?  By the age of, say 7, they can do most things their-self, they are in school, and they are way more independent than the toddler years.  It’s not like they stay babies or toddlers forever.  I just have  to make it through the most physically challenging years for me.  

I had a normal pregnancy with Kiana so I’m not concerned about that either.  Even non-disabled woman have difficult first pregnancies yet still decided to have 2 or 3 more, but mine wasn’t difficult.  I enjoyed being pregnant.  It was such an awesome experience.  Although, I must admit that going through pregnancy this time around isn’t as exciting as it was the first time simply because it was such a new experience the first time.  This time around, although I realize all pregnancies can be different, I feel like “been there, done that”.  That’s not to say though that I’m not equally  as excited about a baby.  I’m overjoyed to be pregnant and have a baby on the way.   I’m just saying that the physical aspect of being pregnant is no longer a new experience.  

Our life is crazy this year and we may be nuts for deciding to get pregnant in the midst of it, but then I remind myself, it’s just this year, and that Baby will be born next year when our life will be a little more “normal”... hopefully.  And if we waited for the “perfect” time to have a child, we’d be waiting forever.  I’m not getting any younger!!  We also wanted  Kiana and Baby to be close in age.  This pregnancy is one thing in my life right now I feel at peace with and don't have any anxiety over.  Actually, I haven't felt any anxiety about anything since I found out.  I swear pregnancy hormones give you a feeling of euphoria.

Just say’n

I’ve had able-bodied people make comments to me, and I’ve heard able-bodied people make comments about other disabled people that makes it sound like they feel sorry for “us”.  And I just want to say, please  don’t.  I’ve heard people make comments like, I’m sorry you were born like that, or that poor lady, or he looks like he’s suffering, or that’s so sad,  You may think you are being kind or showing sympathy by saying things like these, but honestly, to me, whether it is directed to me or about another person, comments like these hurt.  I didn’t ask for your pity.  I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  Just because I walk differently, or have to use a cane, or appear as if things are difficult for me doesn’t mean I am suffering.  I’d rather you see me as a strong woman, a fighter, a person whom has overcome challenges.  I may not move as easily as you, or do things the same way as you do, but I have learned my own way of doing thing that make it easier for me.  I am not suffering.  If it does look like I am struggling I do appreciate your kind offer of assistance.  But please do not feel sorry for me. 

My Strength

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber,

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

 Psalm 121 NIV

I could not do it without Jesus.   He makes all things possible.

My Little Helper

Kiana is becoming such a little helper.  She wants to help me do dishes, she likes to help me with laundry, she likes to help out in the kitchen, she wants to help bring groceries in from the car...  just to name a few.  But there are some things that she has just had to learn to do on her own simply because I am not able.  I am often amazed by her balance and coordination, maybe because mine is so poor.  If she wants a glass of water she has to get it herself.  If I need help getting the carton of eggs out of the fridge, and it’s within her reach, I’ll ask her.  This may be a disaster waiting to happen, but no more than if I did it myself.  

Normally I will pour her a glass of milk at the table, but if I pour it at the counter then she has to carry it to the table herself.   If she has food left on her plate or in her bowl after her meal I ask her to carry it carefully to the kitchen sink.  I could do it, but it’s an easier task for her.  

I was taking a new bag of chicken out of the freezer the other day  and it was heavy so I had to set it down on the floor.  Kiana asked if it was too heavy and wanted to help me.  I told her that it would be too heavy for her and that I had to do it.  She then wanted to hold my hand to help me walk over with the bag to the kitchen sink.  She's so helpful, caring, and sweet.

When she notices that I’m having difficulty walking or about to lose my balance she’ll hold out her hand and say that she wants to help me.  

She has learned to become independent, and at this age anyway, she wants to help. 

Just Kiana and I

Up until the other day I had never taken Kiana anywhere on my own.  I pick Kiana up from the babysitter’s everyday and bring her home, but that is different.  I’ve never been grocery shopping alone with her, I’ve never taken her to the park on my own, I’ve never been to a friend’s house without my husband along, I’ve never taken Kiana to the doctor’s on my own... my husband has always been with me to help with her.  We do everything as a family.  But now Kiana is at an age where she listens, she doesn’t run off or wander off aimlessly into a crowd, she sticks close, she can get in and out of the car on her own and into the car seat, and she knows to hold hands in the parking lot and willingly does so most of the time.  (I am just scared that she might throw that out-of-the-blue-in-the-middle-of-a-store tantrum that is so often talked about among moms, although we have yet to experience, while I’m alone with her and I won’t be able to pick her up and haul her out of the store kicking and screaming, or I won’t have any control over her.)

The other day I had to take her to the doctor while my husband was at work.  I knew I could do it, I knew it would be easy, I knew she would listen to me, but at the same time, well, this was something new for me.  Parking lots are what scare me the most.  I parked on the side of the building, away from traffic, where there was plenty of open spots, and close to the entrance.  I took the stroller because having her sit in the stroller gave me more control.  We rarely use the stroller so when we do use it she always willingly rides in it.  She was perfect and it was an easy experience.  Now that I have crossed that new experience, it’s time for me to take her some place else on my own.  The park?  Well, maybe not the park because she doesn't ever want to leave there.   :)

Walking

This is a follow-up to my “Fear of Concrete” a few postings ago.

I quit exercising over Christmas and now I’m at the point where I pretty much can’t walk at all except for in the comfort of my own home. O.K., so I may be exaggerating that a little, but things have gotten worse, to the point where I’m even having trouble walking around my office at work.  I need to fix this because I’m at the point where I can not keep relying on others  for assistance and am going to have to use a walker, which I do not want to do.  I have started excising again,  As a family we have also started taking walks around the neighborhood so I can practice walking on the concrete sidewalk and street.  

I have also identified some other aspects, besides physical and mental, that may be contributing to my balance problem:

• Caffeine:  I’ve noticed that coffee gives my muscles anxiety because on the few days I haven’t had any I walk just fine.  Without it my muscles and my mind are too relaxed and tired to tense up.  
• Eye sight:  I need glasses to wear all the time.  I believe my depth perception may be off too.
• Weight:  I think I need to gain some weight.  I ended up below my pre-pregnancy weight after having Kiana and maybe I haven’t fully adjusted to that.  I had great balance while I was pregnant (surprisingly).  I think the extra weight grounded me.
• Physical: exercise, exercise, exercise!  I need to stretch because my muscles are very tight.  I need to work on my leg strength.  And I need to strengthen my stomach muscles.  I never got my stomach back into shape after having Kiana and I think by doing so would help my core balance,and help keep my back straight.
• Mental: I need to find a distraction from my anxiety.  I need to “get out of my head”.  I freeze when people are around and I need to stop worrying about people.  

Gaining confidence and strength again to walk is one of my goals for 2012.

October 30, 2011

Happy Birthday!!  My sweet baby girl turned 2.

Newborn

2 years