Sunday, February 18, 2018

Vertical Beauty Project

I met Sarah Foley in MOPS. And recently I was part of her Vertical Beauty Project. She also is the author of this blog Vertical Blonde . She radiates courage and strength, and her blog posts have encouraged me to start exercising again.    I am so grateful to have been included in this project. 

Here is the video from that project:

Vertical Beauty Project Video

Friday, January 12, 2018

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Transparent hand prints led to transparent blog post

I saw Scott's perfect little hand print on the window this morning while pouring cereal for the kids and my first instinct was, "arg, I just cleaned that window yesterday!", and the OCD in me wanted to immediately wash the window.  (Two years ago I would wash fingerprints off windows and mirrors, and vacuum floors every single day.)  But then I paused, and felt nudged to take a picture of that perfect, little, sweet, hand print.  I want Scott to stay 4 forever.  :(  My phone camera wouldn't capture  the hand print so I decided we would recreate it using finger paint this evening.   

I started taking anxiety meds for my anxiety that had developed toward walking on concrete and in public, a new fear of falling down.  The medication, and I tried several at various dosages, didn't address the anxiety of falling down and I eventually had to get a walker to use out in public, which I had to come to terms with and accept, but anxiety medication did help with my OCD.  Ever since I was a kid I've liked organization, things planned out in advanced, vacuum lines on rugs.... lol.  I remember having anxiety every morning before school afraid I was going to miss the bus.  Now, I'm more relaxed.  I have less anxiety over getting to places on time, I don't have to stick to a ridged cleaning schedule, I can go weeks without washing the windows or mirrors, I'm a little more easy on the kids about allowing them to leave toys in the living room, I snap at them less for messes they have made, my morning mood isn't ruined if I wake up to dishes on the counter from the night before, etc., etc. Sure, I still have triggers, and I have my days of high anxiety and OCD cleaning and organization.  I am more at peace in my home when it is clutter-free, but the grip of anxiety has less of a hold on me. 

Praise God I've never suffered from an anxiety attack.  Prior to seeking professional help for my walking (physical and mental, which I've talked about in previous blog posts), for 2 years I was consumed with this frustration that I could no longer walk like I used to.  I woke up every morning and that was the first thought in my head.  I started getting depressed.  I tried to tackle it with God, through prayer, and on my own with exercise.  After 2 years I had had enough and gave in to needing professional help.  The physical therapy and taking meds to help my muscles relax didn't bother me, but I was a little more resistant to getting mental help.  There's this stigma in society toward mental health.  But anxiety and depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain (and I'd also like to add that anxiety/depression can also be triggered by past trauma for other people), and God gave us doctors, counselors, and medications to help.  After seeking advice from Christian mentors and reading on anxiety by Christian authors, I am open to sharing.

I praise God for the help He has given me.  I am thankful for the power of prayer, for doctors, for medication, for my walker, for the transparency of friends and other women, and for sweet-little-4 year old boy- hand prints on windows.  What transformation, freedom, and joy those handprints brought me today.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017


I had someone approach me at the mall yesterday when I was shopping with Kiana, and asked me if I experienced pain (I guess he assumed that because I was disabled that I was in pain, which is not true in my case) and told me that God could heal pain through prayer.  I was so caught off guard that I  wasn't quite sure how to respond, but it would have been a perfect opportunity to see where he stood with Jesus and to share my faith.  Instead I just replied that I was not in pain and that I prayed too, and walked off.  I'm not a quick-thinker / quick-responder, or a great conversationalist, but now after thinking about it for awhile there's so much I wish I would have shared with him. 

I had a man approach me a few years ago and, referring to my disability, he said, "I'm sorry.  Jesus doesn't allow suffering in this world."  He obviously hasn't read the Bible!  And I am definitely not suffering.  I look at my disability as a Blessing.  Afterwards I came up with a million things I wish I would have said to him.  

 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3

I've also had people say to me that they can help me walk better, or that God can heal me.  I don't want to walk better (except maybe to be able to walk again out in public on my own without a walker, like I was able to up until recently), and I don't need healing.  I was born disabled, God made me this way, He made me perfectly, this is who I am, I don't know any different, nor would I change myself.  

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16

" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

I don't share much about my faith in my blog posts, but I love Jesus, and through every challenge, every victory, every joy, all praise goes to Him.   Next time a stranger approaches me, I pray to be more prepared; that God would give me the words to say.  Rather than see it as an inconvenience, to see it as an opportunity.  An opportunity for God's light to shine through me.  An opportunity for growth.

  My prayer is to glorify His name through my life.  

(See "My Faith" for more)

Saturday, July 1, 2017

The other night I was walking to the table with the butter dish. I jerked and the butter flew out of the dish, hit the wall, and landed on the floor.  Kiana said, "mom should never be a waitress." lol

Today she asked me to help her put on her bracelet.  "Hold it with you less shaky hand mom." 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Preschool drop-off

My husband takes the kids to school every morning before heading to work, and I always do the pick-up after school.  Well, this morning my husband had an early morning planned so I had to do the drop-off.  First I dropped of Kiana.  When we got to the parking lot of Scott's preschool he said to me, "Mom, you have to take me to the playground, but I will hold your hand to help you walk."  Such a sweet boy.  I ended up waving down one of his teachers to walk him from the car to the playground since the path to the playground is not  accessible using a walker. 

Tuesday, April 4, 2017


Scott said to me that maybe when I'm older I can do Legos too.  I explained to him that it's not a matter of getting older, but it's because my hands don't work as well as his and that I am better at Duplos.  He thought for a moment then said that he could build the Legos and I could read the instructions.  I told him that that sounded like good teamwork to me.