Sunday, September 25, 2016


Well, I made it to church this morning despite all of the roadblocks Satan tried to put in my way, and I am proud of myself.  Tim is in training, and that alone was a big enough excuse for me to just stay home, but I really wanted to go.  And after the kids had breakfast they were busy, and my bed just looked so inviting, that I layed down for 5 minutes and could have easily got in another hour of sleep, but  I fought it and forced myself to get up and get ready for church, knowing I would feel much better about myself and my day having gone.  Then, when we got to church there was no disabled parking, which never happens, and no where close to park.  Kiana wondered if we were going to go home.  My anxiety level was high all morning, but we did it.  I used my walker.  I calmed down during service, and had a nice visit with a friend after church while the kids played on the playground.  God is good!  

Kiana asked before church, "So we're going without dad?  How are you going to get in?  How are you going to check us in to Sunday School?  Will you be able to pick us up afterwards?"  Part of my motivation for doing things like this on my own is to show my kids that I am brave, I am confident, and that I can do this on my own. I want them to be brave, have confidence, and be independent so I need to be an example of those qualities to them. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

Okay, this is ridiculous.  I am getting a walker.  I can walk just fine, no cane, no assistance in some situations, like the public pool.  But then last night and today I went to my son's preschool to meet his teachers and I could barely walk at all even with my cane.  It's mental.  And it's frustrating. 

Sunday, August 7, 2016

My Husband

Last year I had someone ask me how I met my husband and what attracted me to him.  I replied that it was his kindness and patience that I was attracted to, but after further thought it was not just this, but actually how he didn't "see" me as disabled.  From the moment we met he treated me as "normal".  There was no awkwardness.  He was completely comfortable around me.

Unfortunately, even I, when I meet a disabled person I feel awkward around them.   I don't know how to approach them, how to feel at ease when talking to them... yeah, it's weird.  Maybe because I don't  "see" myself as disabled.  (I know "handicapped" is the P.C. term, but I figure I can use whatever term I want since I am included in that demographic.)   Even if I wasn't disabled, I'm not an outgoing kind of person anyway.

It's hard to explain but it's a first impression thing that I can just feel.  That people want to get to get to know me and don't see me as any different from anyone else.  Although I don't mind talking about my disability and like it when people feel comfortable enough to ask me about it. 

Monday, June 20, 2016


Yes, I got Botox.  But no, not as a beautifying treatment to get rid of wrinkles.  :)  I got Botox in my foot and calf.  Now I have a young looking foot, right?  LOL.  No.  It's amazing what they use Botox for these days: muscular disorders, excessive sweating, to treat chronic migraine headaches, etc.  I got it to relax my toes on my right foot so they don't curl so tightly when I walk. They curl more when I'm nervous, and it makes it difficult to walk or stand with curled toes.

I got 2 injections in my calf and 2 in the bottom of my foot.  There was no pain when injecting into my  calf, but the bottom of my foot was very painful, and it wasn't a "quick shot" sort of pain.  But once it was over with there was no pain.  It took 3-4 days to notice a difference.  My toes are definitely more relaxed.   I can still curl them, but they no longer curl up when I walk.  And it does make it easier to walk.  I took Kiana to the doctor today for an ear infection and I barely needed her assistance in the parking lot, just a light touch, and inside I was walking on my own.  While standing at the counter I was relaxed, my toes were relaxed, and I didn't feel off balance.  It's supposed to last 3 months. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Strictly medical

Over a year ago, January 2015, I made up my mind that it was time to really do something about my walking.  It had gotten so bad that even at home I felt off balance and like I was going to fall down.  It had started 5 years prior and was getting worse, and I was really getting depressed about it.  It was time I take action.   (See previous blog posts "dentist""Walking"  and "Fear of Concrete" for more.)  I no longer had the balance or the confidence.

I started by seeing my primary care physician.  I discussed with her how I thought part of it was mental and part was physical.  She prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication and referred me to physical therapy.  For 3 months I saw my physical therapist and religiously did my exercises daily.  I felt myself getting stronger.  But it didn't do the trick.  So I asked my  PCP to refer me to a doctor who specializes in cerebral palsy to find out if there were any new advancements in treating cerebral palsy.  I mean, I hadn't seen a doctor regarding my c.p. since I was 19 years old.  My doctor referred me to a Neurologist and a Physiatrist (rehab doctor).

Both doctors were very positive that I would walk again without assistance and presented me with different options, sure something would work for me.  It was such a positive thing for me to hear.  That I could get better.  I started taking Baclofen, a muscle relaxant, commonly used for spasticity in cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis  patients.  It helped tremendously!  I was walking with ease again at home.  But it wasn't the cure, because I still had this mental portion of it that when out in public and in parking lots I still froze up.  So I started seeing a mental health professional about the anxiety medication I was on, wanting to either adjust the dosage or try something different.

It's been over a year now and I've tried 3 different medications for anxiety.  The upside to the anxiety meds is that they have helped with my OCD, other anxieties, and I am no longer depressed about my walking, but it has not quite helped with the anxiety/fear of concrete/anxiety of falling in public.    So I have decided to go back to the Physiatrist to try Botox treatment to relax my muscles in my toes.

My doctor thinks I would greatly benefit from a Baclofen pump.  It's much more effective than taking Baclofen orally, the dosage is significantly less, micrograms rather than milligrams, and  you don't get the drowsiness side-affect.  But the idea of having a pump the size of a hockey puck surgically implanted under my skin in my abdomen with a catheter running around to my spine to administer medication directly into my spinal fluid gives me the creeps.  *shiver*

So, if the Botox does not work to where I am completely walking independently, then I have come to the realization that I am going to just have to suck up my pride and accept the fact that at 37 years old I may need to get myself a walker to use in certain situations.  I am finally at peace with that idea.