Regaining Independence

I like being able to go to the grocery store by myself with the kids after picking Kiana up from school, rather than having to wait for Tim to get off work so we can all go. 

t-ball

Scott doesn't like to use the T, he would rather the ball be pitched to him.  He wanted me to throw the ball the other morning but after a few times he realized I wasn't a very good pitcher.  So he put an imaginary ball in my lap to throw.   He was perfectly entertained hitting an imaginary ball. 

He needs his Grandparents.

Kiana said to me yesterday, "I wish you were like other moms and didn't fall down."   I think she worries about me falling.  Whenever I look like I might lose my balance she always reaches out to me.

I had a personal victory yesterday... I walked into Walmart to take Kiana to the restroom and didn't use my cane or a cart.  I just walked in from the parking lot totally on my own (Tim stayed in the car because Scotty was asleep).  I haven't walked in public like that in 5 years!  I felt so comfortable and confident, and totally proud of myself afterwards.  A huge accomplishment for me.  :)

And today, the kids and I went to Safeway where we went to get Scotty some juice (he has a cold).  It went very well.  I wanted to attempt the post office too to get stamps but Kiana didn't want to get Scott in and out of the car again.  :)

I am regaining my independence.  

Appointment

Yesterday Kiana wanted to come with me to my physical therapy appointment. We had to park pretty far away (for me) so she offered to hold my hand to help me.  I had my cane but was still struggling.  But then I would stop, breath, lift my cane and walk along fine just holding onto Kiana's hand. She said to me, "mom, you walk better without your cane."  Holding her hand really didn't provide much assistance, and I didn't want to squeeze her hand; it was more for a sense of confidence.  We finally made it into the doctor's and I no longer needed her help. 

Two of her school friends were in the waiting room so she sat next to them at the children's play table.  She pulled her LeapPad out of her backpack.  One boy asked her what else she had in her backpack.  She said, "nothing. Just my LeapPad."  The boy asked why she needed a backpack just for the LeapPad, why not just carry it?  "So I can hold my mom's hand."  He asked why she needed to hold her mom's hand?  To which she replied, "because she needs help."  And then she went on to show him her LeapPad.  She said it so matter-of-factly, so confidently, as if there was no question to her as to why she would hold my hand.  

After my appointment I walked easily to my car.  Before we got in the car Kiana asked if we could go get shave ice.  Oh, now I know her reason for coming with me... not because she wanted to get out of the house, or because she wanted to help, or because she wanted to be with me, nope, it was because she thought it would earn her shave ice.   :)  Love her!

Victory for Mom

For the very first time I took my 2 kids out on my own. They came with me to my physical therapy appointment. Both of them were very helpful, especially Kiana who put Scott's shoes on him, unbuckled his car seat, and lifted him into the stroller. She even handed over her leap pad to him when he didn't want to stay in the stroller on the way out. I allowed myself plenty of time to avoid any unnecessary stress.

Small victories

I really enjoy the moms' group that I attend twice a month.  I come home filled up and feeling more confident in myself.  I enjoy the fellowship with other moms, hearing their stories, and having the opportunity to get out of the house.  It's a small victory for me to get out of the house on my own with Scott.  I come home each time with more confidence and over time it will get easier.

Last week I took Kiana with me to my dentist appointment.  Kiana had wanted to come, and I wanted her to come for assistance and as a distraction from the nervous thoughts I had in my head about going somewhere new.  I ended up having to ask a stranger for assistance to the door because he had walked out of another office and was just standing there in my way on the sidewalk as if to make sure I was going to make it, but that only made me more nervous having him watch me.  I only got x-rays which disappointed Kiana because she wanted to see me get my teeth cleaned and have more time out with me.  So she asked if we could go somewhere else.  She suggested shave ice, which I had to say that we could only do if I could find parking right in front and if the line wasn't long.  She was so willing to offer her help and had all these suggestions on making it easier for me.  I suggested we just go to Longs and get an ice cream bar that way I  could hold onto a cart,but she really wanted shave ice.  I so badly wanted to do this with her but when we got there it was too busy and no good parking spots so we had to leave.  She was in tears.  It broke my heart. (We went home and got Tim and Scotty and went up to the convenience store and got them ice cream bars.)

My goal this year is to be able to walk unassisted in a parking lot by the time Kiana starts kindergarten.  My walking may never be the same prior to having children and I need to accept that, but I do know if I set my mind to getting better that I can tackle this.  I'm telling myself that its just a phase.  I think the most frustrating thing is meeting new people and them not knowing my confidence, independence, and abilities I had in my 20's (I want my children to see this in me.).  I feel as if others see me as weak.



I will be starting physical  therapy and counseling soon. 

Taco night

Last night at dinner I spilled a spoonful of taco meat into my drink trying to make myself a taco.   Kiana looked at me and said, "mom, why didn't you ask for help?"  Then she came over to my side of the table, took one look at my glass, said "gross", and removed my glass from the table and took it to the sink.  Tim was at the stove frying up more tortillas, took one look at the glass,  and said, "what the heck?"  Kiana replied, "mom made a mess."  She came back to the table and made me a taco with all of the toppings.  She's 5. 

This incident made me laugh. I laughed at myself, I laughed at my husband's reaction, and I smiled at how sweet my daughter is.  I know a few of my close friends would have laughed too had they been at the table. Those ones who are comfortable enough with my disability to know how to react. To be able to laugh about it and say "gross", rather than get concerned, or feel sorry, or want to "fix it", and knowing they won't hurt my feelings by doing so.