My Strength

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber,

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

 Psalm 121 NIV

I could not do it without Jesus.   He makes all things possible.

My Little Helper

Kiana is becoming such a little helper.  She wants to help me do dishes, she likes to help me with laundry, she likes to help out in the kitchen, she wants to help bring groceries in from the car...  just to name a few.  But there are some things that she has just had to learn to do on her own simply because I am not able.  I am often amazed by her balance and coordination, maybe because mine is so poor.  If she wants a glass of water she has to get it herself.  If I need help getting the carton of eggs out of the fridge, and it’s within her reach, I’ll ask her.  This may be a disaster waiting to happen, but no more than if I did it myself.  

Normally I will pour her a glass of milk at the table, but if I pour it at the counter then she has to carry it to the table herself.   If she has food left on her plate or in her bowl after her meal I ask her to carry it carefully to the kitchen sink.  I could do it, but it’s an easier task for her.  

I was taking a new bag of chicken out of the freezer the other day  and it was heavy so I had to set it down on the floor.  Kiana asked if it was too heavy and wanted to help me.  I told her that it would be too heavy for her and that I had to do it.  She then wanted to hold my hand to help me walk over with the bag to the kitchen sink.  She's so helpful, caring, and sweet.

When she notices that I’m having difficulty walking or about to lose my balance she’ll hold out her hand and say that she wants to help me.  

She has learned to become independent, and at this age anyway, she wants to help. 

Just Kiana and I

Up until the other day I had never taken Kiana anywhere on my own.  I pick Kiana up from the babysitter’s everyday and bring her home, but that is different.  I’ve never been grocery shopping alone with her, I’ve never taken her to the park on my own, I’ve never been to a friend’s house without my husband along, I’ve never taken Kiana to the doctor’s on my own... my husband has always been with me to help with her.  We do everything as a family.  But now Kiana is at an age where she listens, she doesn’t run off or wander off aimlessly into a crowd, she sticks close, she can get in and out of the car on her own and into the car seat, and she knows to hold hands in the parking lot and willingly does so most of the time.  (I am just scared that she might throw that out-of-the-blue-in-the-middle-of-a-store tantrum that is so often talked about among moms, although we have yet to experience, while I’m alone with her and I won’t be able to pick her up and haul her out of the store kicking and screaming, or I won’t have any control over her.)

The other day I had to take her to the doctor while my husband was at work.  I knew I could do it, I knew it would be easy, I knew she would listen to me, but at the same time, well, this was something new for me.  Parking lots are what scare me the most.  I parked on the side of the building, away from traffic, where there was plenty of open spots, and close to the entrance.  I took the stroller because having her sit in the stroller gave me more control.  We rarely use the stroller so when we do use it she always willingly rides in it.  She was perfect and it was an easy experience.  Now that I have crossed that new experience, it’s time for me to take her some place else on my own.  The park?  Well, maybe not the park because she doesn't ever want to leave there.   :)

Walking

This is a follow-up to my “Fear of Concrete” a few postings ago.

I quit exercising over Christmas and now I’m at the point where I pretty much can’t walk at all except for in the comfort of my own home. O.K., so I may be exaggerating that a little, but things have gotten worse, to the point where I’m even having trouble walking around my office at work.  I need to fix this because I’m at the point where I can not keep relying on others  for assistance and am going to have to use a walker, which I do not want to do.  I have started excising again,  As a family we have also started taking walks around the neighborhood so I can practice walking on the concrete sidewalk and street.  

I have also identified some other aspects, besides physical and mental, that may be contributing to my balance problem:

• Caffeine:  I’ve noticed that coffee gives my muscles anxiety because on the few days I haven’t had any I walk just fine.  Without it my muscles and my mind are too relaxed and tired to tense up.  
• Eye sight:  I need glasses to wear all the time.  I believe my depth perception may be off too.
• Weight:  I think I need to gain some weight.  I ended up below my pre-pregnancy weight after having Kiana and maybe I haven’t fully adjusted to that.  I had great balance while I was pregnant (surprisingly).  I think the extra weight grounded me.
• Physical: exercise, exercise, exercise!  I need to stretch because my muscles are very tight.  I need to work on my leg strength.  And I need to strengthen my stomach muscles.  I never got my stomach back into shape after having Kiana and I think by doing so would help my core balance,and help keep my back straight.
• Mental: I need to find a distraction from my anxiety.  I need to “get out of my head”.  I freeze when people are around and I need to stop worrying about people.  

Gaining confidence and strength again to walk is one of my goals for 2012.

October 30, 2011

Happy Birthday!!  My sweet baby girl turned 2.

Newborn

2 years

"Up Mama, up"

My daughter knows I am not able to pick her up from a standing position or hold and carry her while standing.  She does know though that I can pick her up and hold her while sitting.  The other day she was sitting on a bar stool and wanted me to help her down even though she's perfectly capable of climbing down on her own.  When I walked over to her she pointed to a dining chair, wanting me to sit down to help her.  Or sometimes she will lead me by the hand over to the couch or a chair so I can pick her up.  I am often touched by how understanding and considerate she is.  But most of the time, when she asks to be picked up, I will simply just get down on the floor wherever we are and let her crawl onto my lap.  Sometimes, in the middle of preparing dinner, I will stop and sit down or kneel on the kitchen floor to hold her.

Fear of concrete (random post)

When I was in college, several years ago now, I used to walk all over campus no problem.  Even just a couple of years ago I could go shopping on my own, walking across streets and parking lots were not a problem.  But just within the past couple of years I have developed a “fear of concrete” and I’m pretty sure it’s getting worse.  I contribute my inability to walk on concrete to a lack of practice and exercise, but it is also mental.   Now I can't even walk from my car to my office on my own unless there is NO ONE around that might be looking at me and even then sometimes I freeze.  I get nervous and freeze when I think someone is watching me, I freeze when I fear I might fall. I freeze when there are cars around because I fear I might fall in front of a car.  My muscles tense, my legs stiffen up, causing my balance to become worse, and I literally can not move.  I haven't fallen down yet but if I freeze suddenly half-way between my car and the office it takes me a really long, awkward time to get to the side of the building to touch for balance,. And once I make it the 20 feet to my office and relax, my legs, because of stiffening up, feel like Jello, like I’ve walked a flight of stairs a hundred times.   It's maddening.  But I refuse to start using a walker because I’m afraid  that I'll become dependent on it and then never be able to walk alone anywhere.  

A few weeks ago I went to my doctor for back pain.  I have never really dealt with much pain, if any, as a result of my cerebral palsy.  I think the back pain was a result of sitting wrong at my computer at work or lifting my 30 lbs two-year-old.  My doctor asked me if I would be interested in physical therapy.  I said yes, and that is when I told her about my difficultly walking.  

I went to my first physical therapy appointment 4 weeks ago..  Boy did it bring back memories from childhood.

The physical therapy department is in a different building than my doctor’s office.  One I had never been to before.  The disabled parking is across from the entrance rather than the side of the building.  I was doing okay walking until a vehicle came and stopped for me to cross.  I got nervous, stiffened up, and looked like an 90 yr old trying to cross the street.  I made it to the sidewalk and there were 2 guys on the sidewalk coming toward me.  I asked if one of them could please assist me to the main sidewalk (I still had to cross where the sidewalk split for a small driveway).  He helped me and then asked if I wanted help to the entrance.  I said I would be fine and thanked him so much.  Well, I wasn't fine because I already felt like I had caused a scene and now everyone was watching me.  A woman walking into the building asked if I needed help and I said that I guess I did.  Someone near the entrance had seen me and came over with a WHEEL CHAIR!!!  LOL!  OMG!  Now I was totally embarrassed and I told him that and that I really didn't need it.  But he was kind and insisted so I sat down in it and he pushed me to check-in.  I assured him I would be fine once in the building.  He said it would be no big deal if I wanted to be wheeled to my appointment, that he was just waiting for his wife, and wanted to make sure I would be okay.  I stood up to check-in and thanked him over and over and said that no I wouldn't need assistance.  I was fine after checking in and walked up to my appointment without any difficulty.  

I told my physical therapist this and she said that yes, she could help me with my balance, but that she is not psychologist but it sounds like I have developed an anxiety about concrete.   I agree with her because I know that part of it is mental.   Part of it is a lack of confidence.  Four years ago I suddenly was afraid to drive this one stretch of highway.  Nothing had changed.  It was all in my mind.  I would get scared, stiffen up, making it difficult to drive.  It lasted about a month and suddenly, as fast as my fear had developed, it was gone and I could drive this particular stretch with confidence and comfort again.    I think this is somewhat similar mentally, yet also different because this is also physical.  I just don’t exercise or walk as much as I used to.  Surprisingly I had better balance when I was pregnant.  And prior to that I was going to the gym and exercising fairly regularly, and getting out of the house more.  I’ve had two physical therapy appointments thus far  but I rescheduled the one this week because I hadn’t done any of the exercises in 2 weeks.  It’s time to schedule exercising into my day, work on my balance and my strength, and beat this!