When I was in college, several years ago now, I used to walk all over campus no problem. Even just a couple of years ago I could go shopping on my own, walking across streets and parking lots were not a problem. But just within the past couple of years I have developed a “fear of concrete” and I’m pretty sure it’s getting worse. I contribute my inability to walk on concrete to a lack of practice and exercise, but it is also mental. Now I can't even walk from my car to my office on my own unless there is NO ONE around that might be looking at me and even then sometimes I freeze. I get nervous and freeze when I think someone is watching me, I freeze when I fear I might fall. I freeze when there are cars around because I fear I might fall in front of a car. My muscles tense, my legs stiffen up, causing my balance to become worse, and I literally can not move. I haven't fallen down yet but if I freeze suddenly half-way between my car and the office it takes me a really long, awkward time to get to the side of the building to touch for balance,. And once I make it the 20 feet to my office and relax, my legs, because of stiffening up, feel like Jello, like I’ve walked a flight of stairs a hundred times. It's maddening. But I refuse to start using a walker because I’m afraid that I'll become dependent on it and then never be able to walk alone anywhere.
A few weeks ago I went to my doctor for back pain. I have never really dealt with much pain, if any, as a result of my cerebral palsy. I think the back pain was a result of sitting wrong at my computer at work or lifting my 30 lbs two-year-old. My doctor asked me if I would be interested in physical therapy. I said yes, and that is when I told her about my difficultly walking.
I went to my first physical therapy appointment 4 weeks ago.. Boy did it bring back memories from childhood.
The physical therapy department is in a different building than my doctor’s office. One I had never been to before. The disabled parking is across from the entrance rather than the side of the building. I was doing okay walking until a vehicle came and stopped for me to cross. I got nervous, stiffened up, and looked like an 90 yr old trying to cross the street. I made it to the sidewalk and there were 2 guys on the sidewalk coming toward me. I asked if one of them could please assist me to the main sidewalk (I still had to cross where the sidewalk split for a small driveway). He helped me and then asked if I wanted help to the entrance. I said I would be fine and thanked him so much. Well, I wasn't fine because I already felt like I had caused a scene and now everyone was watching me. A woman walking into the building asked if I needed help and I said that I guess I did. Someone near the entrance had seen me and came over with a WHEEL CHAIR!!! LOL! OMG! Now I was totally embarrassed and I told him that and that I really didn't need it. But he was kind and insisted so I sat down in it and he pushed me to check-in. I assured him I would be fine once in the building. He said it would be no big deal if I wanted to be wheeled to my appointment, that he was just waiting for his wife, and wanted to make sure I would be okay. I stood up to check-in and thanked him over and over and said that no I wouldn't need assistance. I was fine after checking in and walked up to my appointment without any difficulty.
I told my physical therapist this and she said that yes, she could help me with my balance, but that she is not psychologist but it sounds like I have developed an anxiety about concrete. I agree with her because I know that part of it is mental. Part of it is a lack of confidence. Four years ago I suddenly was afraid to drive this one stretch of highway. Nothing had changed. It was all in my mind. I would get scared, stiffen up, making it difficult to drive. It lasted about a month and suddenly, as fast as my fear had developed, it was gone and I could drive this particular stretch with confidence and comfort again. I think this is somewhat similar mentally, yet also different because this is also physical. I just don’t exercise or walk as much as I used to. Surprisingly I had better balance when I was pregnant. And prior to that I was going to the gym and exercising fairly regularly, and getting out of the house more. I’ve had two physical therapy appointments thus far but I rescheduled the one this week because I hadn’t done any of the exercises in 2 weeks. It’s time to schedule exercising into my day, work on my balance and my strength, and beat this!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Grocery Shopping
Grocery shopping these days is either a good experience or a stressful one. Kiana doesn’t always want to sit in the cart. She goes from sitting in the basket, to standing in the basket, to whining to get out of the basket, to trying to climb out of the basket, to wanting to push the cart, to wanting to be carried, to running away from us down the aisles.
Well yesterday we were at the store and my husband strapped her in the seat of the cart. She protested, but he had to go do some banking and she needed to be left with me. Once he walked away she stopped trying to get out. Her and I went over to the produce section to start our shopping and she was perfect. I pointed out different vegetables and asked her what they were and what color they were. She was fine... until Daddy returned. Then her arms instantly went up and she started to whine to get out of the cart. I think she knew I wasn’t able to get her out of the cart so she didn’t bother to ask me. It made me wonder if I would be able to brave shopping with her alone. Maybe she wouldn’t be such a handful?
I still don’t take her anywhere alone because I’m so worried she will run away from me in the parking lot, run into the street, and I wouldn’t be able to catch her. Or if I did catch her that she wouldn’t willingly walk back to the car with me. I suppose I could just use the stroller...
Well yesterday we were at the store and my husband strapped her in the seat of the cart. She protested, but he had to go do some banking and she needed to be left with me. Once he walked away she stopped trying to get out. Her and I went over to the produce section to start our shopping and she was perfect. I pointed out different vegetables and asked her what they were and what color they were. She was fine... until Daddy returned. Then her arms instantly went up and she started to whine to get out of the cart. I think she knew I wasn’t able to get her out of the cart so she didn’t bother to ask me. It made me wonder if I would be able to brave shopping with her alone. Maybe she wouldn’t be such a handful?
I still don’t take her anywhere alone because I’m so worried she will run away from me in the parking lot, run into the street, and I wouldn’t be able to catch her. Or if I did catch her that she wouldn’t willingly walk back to the car with me. I suppose I could just use the stroller...
Behavior modification
We were not even in the house 2 minutes one afternoon and Kiana was already finger-painting with diaper cream on the walls. When I went to take it away from her she ran away from me.with a big gob of it in her hands wiping it along the hall wall as she ran and then into the bedroom. I knew it would be easy to clean up so I wasn’t going to get upset about it but I still needed to get it off of her hands before it was everywhere and I had to backtrack too much. I asked her to wash her hands. She loves to wash her hands and make bubbles with the soap so I thought this would work. When I got a firm “no” in reply I had to think quick, because I’m not able to just chase after her, pick her up, and carry her to the sink. I had to figure out what to say to get her to come to the sink. So I said very calmly, “do you want to go to your room?” I had never used this before, or have never sent her to her room so I was surprised it worked. She came directly to the sink and washed her hands.
Twin bed
A few weeks ago we took down Kiana’s crib and upgraded her to a twin bed. This has helped tremendously in re-establishing a set nap time and getting her to sleep in her own room. And I haven’t had any frustrating afternoons since with her with an over-tired toddler and an over-tired mommy.
She got used to sleeping in our bed since I was never able to easily put her in her crib. It was just easier for me to put her down for a nap and for bedtime in our bed and then my husband would move her to her crib. Now I will lay down with her in her own room and at nap time, if she is not quite ready to settle down she can quietly play or read books. It is so much easier. She also likes her new bed.
She still comes into our bed occasionally at 5am, and I enjoy the cuddle time with her. This morning I woke up to the sound of little feet pitter-pattering down the hall. She came over to my side of the bed and stood there, sleepy eyed and still half asleep, holding her pillow, blankie, Bearbear, AND Dolly. How she manages to remember and carry all that while half asleep is beyond me? But she does it every time.
She got used to sleeping in our bed since I was never able to easily put her in her crib. It was just easier for me to put her down for a nap and for bedtime in our bed and then my husband would move her to her crib. Now I will lay down with her in her own room and at nap time, if she is not quite ready to settle down she can quietly play or read books. It is so much easier. She also likes her new bed.
She still comes into our bed occasionally at 5am, and I enjoy the cuddle time with her. This morning I woke up to the sound of little feet pitter-pattering down the hall. She came over to my side of the bed and stood there, sleepy eyed and still half asleep, holding her pillow, blankie, Bearbear, AND Dolly. How she manages to remember and carry all that while half asleep is beyond me? But she does it every time.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Just a "typical mom" blog post
Home alone with Kiana today. Just had to put her in her crib to cry it out (I don't like doing that and have only ever done that 2 other times. Tim and I don't believe in letting her cry it out. I always lay down with her until she falls asleep. But she won't go down for a nap today and I need a break. But if she's screaming and crying in there for more than 5 minutes I will go get her.)
I read this yesterday 7 Discipline Mistakes All Mom's Make (http://shine.yahoo.com/
Before she reached the toddler stage I thought I could do this, that I wouldn't be one of those mom's who said "no" all the time. But, (ha!) now I'm thinking is this even possible? Yes, maybe Tim and I could cut down on the "no's" (I think we started doing it without even realizing it), but turning a no around into something more positive sure does take a lot more work, a lot more thought, and a lot more words. I tried this today. I do pick my battles and let her get away with stuff that's really no big deal, but some days I feel like I'm saying no all of the time.
Today I got to the point where I started throwing away toys. She has this little cheapy plastic duck (looks like a Happy Meal toy) that she started scraping on the wall. I asked her to stop, that we don't scrap anything along the walls (she's made marks before so we have a rule that nothing touches the walls; that it is not ok to color or make marks on the walls.). I told her that the toy is to be played with on the floor and if she scraped the wall again I would throw it away. (I had taken it away from her a few days ago for the same reason and she found it again today so this time it was getting thrown out!) So that is what I did, after having to chase her around the living room to get it. That brought tears.
Last week I bought those magic Crayola no mess markers that only show up on special coloring book paper so that I wouldn't always have to supervise her every time she wants to color; a coloring book I could just leave out for her to get to on her own. Well, the past few days I've caught her sucking on the tips or putting it on like lipstick. Yes, I know it's non-toxic but I still don't want it in her mouth. If I allow her to put them in her mouth what is going to stop her from putting a Sharpie in her mouth if she finds one of those in the house? So I told her that if she did that again I would throw it away. It went in the trash!
It's hard at this age because she's still kind of too young to understand. I think I need to find a mom's group or socialize with more moms so I can talk about this stuff and get ideas. This is all so foreign to me and I know this is all normal toddler behavior, but I'd like to know that I'm not the only mom ready to pull my hair out. How do mothers of 3 or 4 or 5 do it? (Or does it get easier with 2? Anyone with more than 2 under the age of 5, or a single-mom is a "super-mom" in my book.) Some people must have amazing patience! Or maybe they let their kids run wild? Or maybe they are yelling and screaming all the time? Or maybe their kid is in front of the t.v. all day? Some days are exhausting.
And the thing is, I believe I was blessed with a pretty easy child. Most friends that baby-sit her are amazed by her. The morning went very smoothly. She doesn't need constant attention, she plays quietly and contently on her own while I'm preparing meals and cleaning up. She's a very happy girl. Very pleasant and sweet. Not high maintenance. It's mainly in the afternoons, when we are both tired, that I notice her testing her boundaries more.
Anyway, Kiana is now asleep. Didn't take long.
btw: I got out of changing a poopy diaper today because she went in the toilet. yay!
*** And yes, I did notice that the title of the article contained the word ALL.
I read this yesterday 7 Discipline Mistakes All Mom's Make (http://shine.yahoo.com/
We're too negative.
"Don't hit your sister!" "Stop pulling the dog's tail!" The number of things you tell your toddler or preschooler not to do is endless.
THE FIX Ask for the behavior you want to see. Nobody wants to raise a child who doesn't understand limits, but "parents say 'no' so frequently that kids become deaf to it -- and the word loses its power," Dr. Borba explains. Moreover, "we often tell kids not to do something without letting them know what they should be doing," notes Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the naysaying for truly dangerous situations (think: fork in the electrical socket or your child eating the spider plant), and focus on telling kids how you would like them to behave. For example, instead of, "No standing in the bathtub!" try, "We sit down in the bathtub because it's slippery." Later, when you notice your kid splashing away in a seated position, offer some praise ("I like how you're sitting!") to reinforce her good behavior.
"Don't hit your sister!" "Stop pulling the dog's tail!" The number of things you tell your toddler or preschooler not to do is endless.
THE FIX Ask for the behavior you want to see. Nobody wants to raise a child who doesn't understand limits, but "parents say 'no' so frequently that kids become deaf to it -- and the word loses its power," Dr. Borba explains. Moreover, "we often tell kids not to do something without letting them know what they should be doing," notes Linda Sonna, Ph.D., author of The Everything Toddler Book. So save the naysaying for truly dangerous situations (think: fork in the electrical socket or your child eating the spider plant), and focus on telling kids how you would like them to behave. For example, instead of, "No standing in the bathtub!" try, "We sit down in the bathtub because it's slippery." Later, when you notice your kid splashing away in a seated position, offer some praise ("I like how you're sitting!") to reinforce her good behavior.
Before she reached the toddler stage I thought I could do this, that I wouldn't be one of those mom's who said "no" all the time. But, (ha!) now I'm thinking is this even possible? Yes, maybe Tim and I could cut down on the "no's" (I think we started doing it without even realizing it), but turning a no around into something more positive sure does take a lot more work, a lot more thought, and a lot more words. I tried this today. I do pick my battles and let her get away with stuff that's really no big deal, but some days I feel like I'm saying no all of the time.
Today I got to the point where I started throwing away toys. She has this little cheapy plastic duck (looks like a Happy Meal toy) that she started scraping on the wall. I asked her to stop, that we don't scrap anything along the walls (she's made marks before so we have a rule that nothing touches the walls; that it is not ok to color or make marks on the walls.). I told her that the toy is to be played with on the floor and if she scraped the wall again I would throw it away. (I had taken it away from her a few days ago for the same reason and she found it again today so this time it was getting thrown out!) So that is what I did, after having to chase her around the living room to get it. That brought tears.
Last week I bought those magic Crayola no mess markers that only show up on special coloring book paper so that I wouldn't always have to supervise her every time she wants to color; a coloring book I could just leave out for her to get to on her own. Well, the past few days I've caught her sucking on the tips or putting it on like lipstick. Yes, I know it's non-toxic but I still don't want it in her mouth. If I allow her to put them in her mouth what is going to stop her from putting a Sharpie in her mouth if she finds one of those in the house? So I told her that if she did that again I would throw it away. It went in the trash!
It's hard at this age because she's still kind of too young to understand. I think I need to find a mom's group or socialize with more moms so I can talk about this stuff and get ideas. This is all so foreign to me and I know this is all normal toddler behavior, but I'd like to know that I'm not the only mom ready to pull my hair out. How do mothers of 3 or 4 or 5 do it? (Or does it get easier with 2? Anyone with more than 2 under the age of 5, or a single-mom is a "super-mom" in my book.) Some people must have amazing patience! Or maybe they let their kids run wild? Or maybe they are yelling and screaming all the time? Or maybe their kid is in front of the t.v. all day? Some days are exhausting.
And the thing is, I believe I was blessed with a pretty easy child. Most friends that baby-sit her are amazed by her. The morning went very smoothly. She doesn't need constant attention, she plays quietly and contently on her own while I'm preparing meals and cleaning up. She's a very happy girl. Very pleasant and sweet. Not high maintenance. It's mainly in the afternoons, when we are both tired, that I notice her testing her boundaries more.
Anyway, Kiana is now asleep. Didn't take long.
btw: I got out of changing a poopy diaper today because she went in the toilet. yay!
*** And yes, I did notice that the title of the article contained the word ALL.
Friday, July 1, 2011
The Toddler Years
I don’t know how I am going to survive. I thought I was a very patient person but I’m discovering that having a toddler takes more patience than I might have... and definitely way more energy than I have. Some days I feel like either breaking down in tears or screaming,
Kiana is 20 months and is getting to the age where she is testing her boundaries, climbing on everything, getting into everything, not listening, and throwing tantrums. I read up on toddler discipline: to be consistent, to pick your battles, to be patient, to stick to your guns. But soon, if not already, she’s going to discover that mom can’t catch her and I’m afraid she’s going to take advantage of that.
I’m not sure how I am going to approach this. It’s not like I can just easily pick her up and remove her from the situation or room Or if she gets ahold of something she’s not supposed to have, I can’t just chase her around the house (fyi: dangerous things are far from reach or in locked drawers). Or what about time-outs? How am I supposed to get her to the time-out chair? I’ve considered doing what all mom’s do, counting one-two-three, but then I wonder what can I physically do once I get to three? That is going to be ineffective because she’s going to learn that I can’t do anything once I get to three because I can’t pick her up or I can’t catch her.
This is going to be frustrating for me. Sometimes after I’ve taken her off of the counter top or table three times in a row I feel like just giving up (I have to sit in a chair to remove her because I don’t have the balance to remove her while standing), but letting her on the counter top to get into things she’s not supposed to is not only dangerous but also inconsistent when I tell her no the first three times.
Any other physically disabled mothers have any pointers for me? What worked for you?
Kiana is 20 months and is getting to the age where she is testing her boundaries, climbing on everything, getting into everything, not listening, and throwing tantrums. I read up on toddler discipline: to be consistent, to pick your battles, to be patient, to stick to your guns. But soon, if not already, she’s going to discover that mom can’t catch her and I’m afraid she’s going to take advantage of that.
I’m not sure how I am going to approach this. It’s not like I can just easily pick her up and remove her from the situation or room Or if she gets ahold of something she’s not supposed to have, I can’t just chase her around the house (fyi: dangerous things are far from reach or in locked drawers). Or what about time-outs? How am I supposed to get her to the time-out chair? I’ve considered doing what all mom’s do, counting one-two-three, but then I wonder what can I physically do once I get to three? That is going to be ineffective because she’s going to learn that I can’t do anything once I get to three because I can’t pick her up or I can’t catch her.
This is going to be frustrating for me. Sometimes after I’ve taken her off of the counter top or table three times in a row I feel like just giving up (I have to sit in a chair to remove her because I don’t have the balance to remove her while standing), but letting her on the counter top to get into things she’s not supposed to is not only dangerous but also inconsistent when I tell her no the first three times.
Any other physically disabled mothers have any pointers for me? What worked for you?
Monday, June 13, 2011
Fell down
The other day Kiana and I were out sweeping the garage when I fell down. It wasn't a bad fall but Kiana ran over to me so fast, grabbed my hand, said "help, help", and tried to help me up. She then hugged my legs and kissed my knee. I assured her that I was o.k. and thanked her for the help. It was so sweet.
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