Balance

Now that I have a little pregnant belly I’ve found that lately I have had better balance.  I found this to be true when I was pregnant with Kiana too, that I had better balance the bigger my belly got, as if it “grounded” me.  The extra weight could be giving me better stability.

But, since I have developed this recent mental anxiety toward walking (within the past year or so) I’ve noticed that having a small showing pregnant belly gives me a sense of confidence and I don't think of my anxiety, thus improving my walking.  I’m proud of my belly.  I want to show it off. (I felt the same way when pregnant with Kiana.)  I want people to see that yes, I am disabled, and yes, I am pregnant too.  It’s that same feeling of confidence one gets when they get a new haircut or a cute new outfit. That feeling that you’re a new person and could walk confidently through a crowd of people staring at you.  

Maybe soon I’ll be able to ditch my cane.  Today I took it with me but didn't use it at all.  I was just holding it and it never even touched the ground.  It probably looked kind-of silly.

Blood draws

With my cerebral palsy I have extra movements.  This is particularly a problem when having blood drawn.  Blood draws don’t bother me, and when you’re pregnant you get blood drawn often.  My uncontrollable extra movement gets worse when I’m nervous or when I am supposed to be still.  I am fine until they get that needle close to me, then I just start moving which makes it difficult for the person drawing my blood and painful for me.  I can’t help it.  So I have to have a second person gently hold my hand, I have to look away, take deep breaths, and count out loud to get my mind off of trying to be still.  This works for me, but the poor ladies drawing my blood  think I’m going going to pass out, which is not true at all.

Oh, also when pregnant you have to pee in a  cup every single doctor’s visit, something I am not able to do.  I don’t have the stability in my hands to hold a cup of anything without spilling it.  This was embarrassing the first office visit I had while pregnant with Kiana, not only did I have to explain to the nurse why I needed a urine hat, but they didn’t have one, so my sweet husband had to assist me with that one.  After that they had a hat.  And with my current doctor all of the nurses now know I need a urine hat so thankfully I no longer need to ask or explain. 

Making cookies

Yesterday Kiana and I made cookies together.  I was trying to get the eggs out of the refrigerator carefully when Kiana said, "here mama, let me help you. Because it's easier for me."  I was a little wary about letting my 2 year old get the eggs out from a higher shelf, but yes my dear, it is easier for you.  She stood up on the ledge of the fridge, reached up and took one egg out at a time.  Thank you Kiana.  She was so proud of herself for being "so tall" and helping out. 

Week 16

I am 16 weeks pregnant and everything is going smoothly.  Smoothly in terms of, no complications,  and nothing affecting my pregnancy related to my disability (or visa versa).   I have had some discomforts, but just typical pregnancy discomforts, morning sickness and tiredness during the first trimester, and now frequent migraine headaches during the second trimester.  

I wish I had started this blog while I was pregnant with Kiana, but since I didn’t I will try to keep it up to date on how my pregnancy is coming along this time.  So far this pregnancy is very similar, with the exception of my cravings, and I do not think my morning sickness was so constant this time.  I am interested to find out the gender of this baby.  :)

Having Another :)

We have always wanted to be a family of 4.  Yes, there are some days when I questioned this but we really wanted a second.   When family and friends have asked if we wanted another and we’ve said yes we have gotten mixed reactions:  “you know the 2nd is always the hardest”;  “Kiana’s so easy, your 2nd is going to be the opposite”;  “will you adopt?”;  “you know 2 children are so much more work”  etc., etc.   Yes, it will be more work.  Even though I’ve already had one and know what to expect this time I still feel clueless as to how I’m going to do it.  How I’m going to care for a newborn?  How I’m going to handle two?  But once again, I feel peace.  Peace knowing God is there, God will help me, God has it under control, and God will not give me more than I can’t handle.  And the thing is... children grow up, become independent.  I just have to make it through the first year.  That is when I need the most help.  And what’s a year?  What’s 7 years?  By the age of, say 7, they can do most things their-self, they are in school, and they are way more independent than the toddler years.  It’s not like they stay babies or toddlers forever.  I just have  to make it through the most physically challenging years for me.  

I had a normal pregnancy with Kiana so I’m not concerned about that either.  Even non-disabled woman have difficult first pregnancies yet still decided to have 2 or 3 more, but mine wasn’t difficult.  I enjoyed being pregnant.  It was such an awesome experience.  Although, I must admit that going through pregnancy this time around isn’t as exciting as it was the first time simply because it was such a new experience the first time.  This time around, although I realize all pregnancies can be different, I feel like “been there, done that”.  That’s not to say though that I’m not equally  as excited about a baby.  I’m overjoyed to be pregnant and have a baby on the way.   I’m just saying that the physical aspect of being pregnant is no longer a new experience.  

Our life is crazy this year and we may be nuts for deciding to get pregnant in the midst of it, but then I remind myself, it’s just this year, and that Baby will be born next year when our life will be a little more “normal”... hopefully.  And if we waited for the “perfect” time to have a child, we’d be waiting forever.  I’m not getting any younger!!  We also wanted  Kiana and Baby to be close in age.  This pregnancy is one thing in my life right now I feel at peace with and don't have any anxiety over.  Actually, I haven't felt any anxiety about anything since I found out.  I swear pregnancy hormones give you a feeling of euphoria.

Just say’n

I’ve had able-bodied people make comments to me, and I’ve heard able-bodied people make comments about other disabled people that makes it sound like they feel sorry for “us”.  And I just want to say, please  don’t.  I’ve heard people make comments like, I’m sorry you were born like that, or that poor lady, or he looks like he’s suffering, or that’s so sad,  You may think you are being kind or showing sympathy by saying things like these, but honestly, to me, whether it is directed to me or about another person, comments like these hurt.  I didn’t ask for your pity.  I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  Just because I walk differently, or have to use a cane, or appear as if things are difficult for me doesn’t mean I am suffering.  I’d rather you see me as a strong woman, a fighter, a person whom has overcome challenges.  I may not move as easily as you, or do things the same way as you do, but I have learned my own way of doing thing that make it easier for me.  I am not suffering.  If it does look like I am struggling I do appreciate your kind offer of assistance.  But please do not feel sorry for me. 

My Strength

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber,

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

 Psalm 121 NIV

I could not do it without Jesus.   He makes all things possible.