Plan?

My mom asked me a couple of months ago what my plan was after Baby was born, in terms of caring for him, going back to work, etc.,  My response: I have no clue! and I don’t even want to think about it or try to figure it out because the thought of it creates too much anxiety.  I just have peace and am putting my total trust in God that it will all work out, and am praying a lot.  He has a plan.  I have no plan.  I had no plan or clue how it would work out when I had Kiana either, but it did.  With Kiana I had the support and help of a church body and also found wonderful people who were willing to come into my home to assist me while my husband was at work.  This time around I don’t have the support of a church, and I don’t think I want to go through the headache of finding reliable people to come into my home, nor do I have the money.  Yet, I’m going to need help... I think.  

You would think that because this is my second I might have this figured out a little more, but I don’t.  I have no clue how I’m going to care for an infant.  I wasn’t able to care for Kiana on my own until she was 7 months, once she was able to crawl which thankfully was at an early age of 5 months.  

I also do not believe in putting my baby in full-time child care for someone else to care for. Even now I only work part-time and have Kiana in part-time childcare because I think it is important for me to be home with her. I could not be the mom I want to be in terms of time and energy if I worked 40 hours a week.   But even if I wanted to have my baby in childcare, I couldn’t because I can not get a baby in and out of the car until they are able to walk.  

It’s in God’s hands.  He has a perfect plan.  And my mom with be here for at least the first 6 weeks.  I am thankful for that.

32 weeks

This pregnancy up until now has been pretty easy.  But I am 32 weeks pregnant and am now officially uncomfortable.  Baby’s head is now sitting on my pelvis and causing a lot of pain.   Doctor says it is all normal at this point in the pregnancy.  Some evenings, after I have been sitting or standing for awhile, when I get up I can barely walk.  I now spend a lot of time laying on the couch when I am home.  I am using a walker around the house in the evenings I am in a lot of pain, that’s only about 2-3 times a week.  I just have to make sure I don’t do too much during the day (not something that comes easily to me) so I stay somewhat comfortable.  Shopping trips are short (one store) and only if I haven’t done too much beforehand at home.  My husband has been great around the house and Kiana is very patient and a great helper as well.

All Christmas shopping is being done online  and I will not be doing any holiday baking this year.

It's a....

BOY!!! 

We found out a couple of weeks ago that we are having a boy.  I am excited to have both a girl and a boy... but I must admit, part of me is a little nervous.  I have experience with a girl.  Aren't boys slower at developing, more active, and more likely to get hurt?  I just hope it's not too much for me to handle.  But, I'm sure I'll adjust and learn as I go, as I did with Kiana.  (Even if this baby was another girl they might have been, and probably would have been, totally different anyway.)

Balance

Now that I have a little pregnant belly I’ve found that lately I have had better balance.  I found this to be true when I was pregnant with Kiana too, that I had better balance the bigger my belly got, as if it “grounded” me.  The extra weight could be giving me better stability.

But, since I have developed this recent mental anxiety toward walking (within the past year or so) I’ve noticed that having a small showing pregnant belly gives me a sense of confidence and I don't think of my anxiety, thus improving my walking.  I’m proud of my belly.  I want to show it off. (I felt the same way when pregnant with Kiana.)  I want people to see that yes, I am disabled, and yes, I am pregnant too.  It’s that same feeling of confidence one gets when they get a new haircut or a cute new outfit. That feeling that you’re a new person and could walk confidently through a crowd of people staring at you.  

Maybe soon I’ll be able to ditch my cane.  Today I took it with me but didn't use it at all.  I was just holding it and it never even touched the ground.  It probably looked kind-of silly.

Blood draws

With my cerebral palsy I have extra movements.  This is particularly a problem when having blood drawn.  Blood draws don’t bother me, and when you’re pregnant you get blood drawn often.  My uncontrollable extra movement gets worse when I’m nervous or when I am supposed to be still.  I am fine until they get that needle close to me, then I just start moving which makes it difficult for the person drawing my blood and painful for me.  I can’t help it.  So I have to have a second person gently hold my hand, I have to look away, take deep breaths, and count out loud to get my mind off of trying to be still.  This works for me, but the poor ladies drawing my blood  think I’m going going to pass out, which is not true at all.

Oh, also when pregnant you have to pee in a  cup every single doctor’s visit, something I am not able to do.  I don’t have the stability in my hands to hold a cup of anything without spilling it.  This was embarrassing the first office visit I had while pregnant with Kiana, not only did I have to explain to the nurse why I needed a urine hat, but they didn’t have one, so my sweet husband had to assist me with that one.  After that they had a hat.  And with my current doctor all of the nurses now know I need a urine hat so thankfully I no longer need to ask or explain. 

Making cookies

Yesterday Kiana and I made cookies together.  I was trying to get the eggs out of the refrigerator carefully when Kiana said, "here mama, let me help you. Because it's easier for me."  I was a little wary about letting my 2 year old get the eggs out from a higher shelf, but yes my dear, it is easier for you.  She stood up on the ledge of the fridge, reached up and took one egg out at a time.  Thank you Kiana.  She was so proud of herself for being "so tall" and helping out. 

Week 16

I am 16 weeks pregnant and everything is going smoothly.  Smoothly in terms of, no complications,  and nothing affecting my pregnancy related to my disability (or visa versa).   I have had some discomforts, but just typical pregnancy discomforts, morning sickness and tiredness during the first trimester, and now frequent migraine headaches during the second trimester.  

I wish I had started this blog while I was pregnant with Kiana, but since I didn’t I will try to keep it up to date on how my pregnancy is coming along this time.  So far this pregnancy is very similar, with the exception of my cravings, and I do not think my morning sickness was so constant this time.  I am interested to find out the gender of this baby.  :)

Having Another :)

We have always wanted to be a family of 4.  Yes, there are some days when I questioned this but we really wanted a second.   When family and friends have asked if we wanted another and we’ve said yes we have gotten mixed reactions:  “you know the 2nd is always the hardest”;  “Kiana’s so easy, your 2nd is going to be the opposite”;  “will you adopt?”;  “you know 2 children are so much more work”  etc., etc.   Yes, it will be more work.  Even though I’ve already had one and know what to expect this time I still feel clueless as to how I’m going to do it.  How I’m going to care for a newborn?  How I’m going to handle two?  But once again, I feel peace.  Peace knowing God is there, God will help me, God has it under control, and God will not give me more than I can’t handle.  And the thing is... children grow up, become independent.  I just have to make it through the first year.  That is when I need the most help.  And what’s a year?  What’s 7 years?  By the age of, say 7, they can do most things their-self, they are in school, and they are way more independent than the toddler years.  It’s not like they stay babies or toddlers forever.  I just have  to make it through the most physically challenging years for me.  

I had a normal pregnancy with Kiana so I’m not concerned about that either.  Even non-disabled woman have difficult first pregnancies yet still decided to have 2 or 3 more, but mine wasn’t difficult.  I enjoyed being pregnant.  It was such an awesome experience.  Although, I must admit that going through pregnancy this time around isn’t as exciting as it was the first time simply because it was such a new experience the first time.  This time around, although I realize all pregnancies can be different, I feel like “been there, done that”.  That’s not to say though that I’m not equally  as excited about a baby.  I’m overjoyed to be pregnant and have a baby on the way.   I’m just saying that the physical aspect of being pregnant is no longer a new experience.  

Our life is crazy this year and we may be nuts for deciding to get pregnant in the midst of it, but then I remind myself, it’s just this year, and that Baby will be born next year when our life will be a little more “normal”... hopefully.  And if we waited for the “perfect” time to have a child, we’d be waiting forever.  I’m not getting any younger!!  We also wanted  Kiana and Baby to be close in age.  This pregnancy is one thing in my life right now I feel at peace with and don't have any anxiety over.  Actually, I haven't felt any anxiety about anything since I found out.  I swear pregnancy hormones give you a feeling of euphoria.

Just say’n

I’ve had able-bodied people make comments to me, and I’ve heard able-bodied people make comments about other disabled people that makes it sound like they feel sorry for “us”.  And I just want to say, please  don’t.  I’ve heard people make comments like, I’m sorry you were born like that, or that poor lady, or he looks like he’s suffering, or that’s so sad,  You may think you are being kind or showing sympathy by saying things like these, but honestly, to me, whether it is directed to me or about another person, comments like these hurt.  I didn’t ask for your pity.  I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  Just because I walk differently, or have to use a cane, or appear as if things are difficult for me doesn’t mean I am suffering.  I’d rather you see me as a strong woman, a fighter, a person whom has overcome challenges.  I may not move as easily as you, or do things the same way as you do, but I have learned my own way of doing thing that make it easier for me.  I am not suffering.  If it does look like I am struggling I do appreciate your kind offer of assistance.  But please do not feel sorry for me. 

My Strength

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber,

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. 

 Psalm 121 NIV

I could not do it without Jesus.   He makes all things possible.

My Little Helper

Kiana is becoming such a little helper.  She wants to help me do dishes, she likes to help me with laundry, she likes to help out in the kitchen, she wants to help bring groceries in from the car...  just to name a few.  But there are some things that she has just had to learn to do on her own simply because I am not able.  I am often amazed by her balance and coordination, maybe because mine is so poor.  If she wants a glass of water she has to get it herself.  If I need help getting the carton of eggs out of the fridge, and it’s within her reach, I’ll ask her.  This may be a disaster waiting to happen, but no more than if I did it myself.  

Normally I will pour her a glass of milk at the table, but if I pour it at the counter then she has to carry it to the table herself.   If she has food left on her plate or in her bowl after her meal I ask her to carry it carefully to the kitchen sink.  I could do it, but it’s an easier task for her.  

I was taking a new bag of chicken out of the freezer the other day  and it was heavy so I had to set it down on the floor.  Kiana asked if it was too heavy and wanted to help me.  I told her that it would be too heavy for her and that I had to do it.  She then wanted to hold my hand to help me walk over with the bag to the kitchen sink.  She's so helpful, caring, and sweet.

When she notices that I’m having difficulty walking or about to lose my balance she’ll hold out her hand and say that she wants to help me.  

She has learned to become independent, and at this age anyway, she wants to help. 

Just Kiana and I

Up until the other day I had never taken Kiana anywhere on my own.  I pick Kiana up from the babysitter’s everyday and bring her home, but that is different.  I’ve never been grocery shopping alone with her, I’ve never taken her to the park on my own, I’ve never been to a friend’s house without my husband along, I’ve never taken Kiana to the doctor’s on my own... my husband has always been with me to help with her.  We do everything as a family.  But now Kiana is at an age where she listens, she doesn’t run off or wander off aimlessly into a crowd, she sticks close, she can get in and out of the car on her own and into the car seat, and she knows to hold hands in the parking lot and willingly does so most of the time.  (I am just scared that she might throw that out-of-the-blue-in-the-middle-of-a-store tantrum that is so often talked about among moms, although we have yet to experience, while I’m alone with her and I won’t be able to pick her up and haul her out of the store kicking and screaming, or I won’t have any control over her.)

The other day I had to take her to the doctor while my husband was at work.  I knew I could do it, I knew it would be easy, I knew she would listen to me, but at the same time, well, this was something new for me.  Parking lots are what scare me the most.  I parked on the side of the building, away from traffic, where there was plenty of open spots, and close to the entrance.  I took the stroller because having her sit in the stroller gave me more control.  We rarely use the stroller so when we do use it she always willingly rides in it.  She was perfect and it was an easy experience.  Now that I have crossed that new experience, it’s time for me to take her some place else on my own.  The park?  Well, maybe not the park because she doesn't ever want to leave there.   :)

Walking

This is a follow-up to my “Fear of Concrete” a few postings ago.

I quit exercising over Christmas and now I’m at the point where I pretty much can’t walk at all except for in the comfort of my own home. O.K., so I may be exaggerating that a little, but things have gotten worse, to the point where I’m even having trouble walking around my office at work.  I need to fix this because I’m at the point where I can not keep relying on others  for assistance and am going to have to use a walker, which I do not want to do.  I have started excising again,  As a family we have also started taking walks around the neighborhood so I can practice walking on the concrete sidewalk and street.  

I have also identified some other aspects, besides physical and mental, that may be contributing to my balance problem:

• Caffeine:  I’ve noticed that coffee gives my muscles anxiety because on the few days I haven’t had any I walk just fine.  Without it my muscles and my mind are too relaxed and tired to tense up.  
• Eye sight:  I need glasses to wear all the time.  I believe my depth perception may be off too.
• Weight:  I think I need to gain some weight.  I ended up below my pre-pregnancy weight after having Kiana and maybe I haven’t fully adjusted to that.  I had great balance while I was pregnant (surprisingly).  I think the extra weight grounded me.
• Physical: exercise, exercise, exercise!  I need to stretch because my muscles are very tight.  I need to work on my leg strength.  And I need to strengthen my stomach muscles.  I never got my stomach back into shape after having Kiana and I think by doing so would help my core balance,and help keep my back straight.
• Mental: I need to find a distraction from my anxiety.  I need to “get out of my head”.  I freeze when people are around and I need to stop worrying about people.  

Gaining confidence and strength again to walk is one of my goals for 2012.